It's Raining Men
by Tali-Sarah
Summary: A story co-written by Tali and Carly. Bad weather can bring many things, including flat tyres and your very own stalker.


By Tali and Carly4  
  
Disclaimer: Do not own the characters of Xena: Warrior Princess or anything remotely related to shows with in the title.   
  
Authors Note: This is the result of being up and bored at midnight - Carly and I wrote a rather mad fanfic - here it is.  
  
*~*~*  
  
She glared daggers at the small car and more importantly, the flat tyre on the small car. The sun had suddenly disappeared and clouds had taken over the perfect blue that had been there just minutes ago. Thunder clapped loudly and she sighed as the first raindrop fell and hit her directly on the head.  
  
Groaning inwardly, she slipped off her coat and tossed it on the front seat, before surveying the situation ahead of her. It would, she mused, have been better had she waited until she'd reached civilisation before driving over the nail which had destroyed her tyre. It would have been even better had she not taken the cliff road in order to enjoy the view. She certainly wasn't enjoying it now, anyway.  
  
She pulled out the jack from the boot of her car and knelt beside the ruined tyre. She'd done this before, but it was a little different with rain dripping down her collar. She went about loosening the bolts and failed. Even in dry conditions it took all of her weight in a jump to make them budge, in wet conditions she fell into the mud and scowled.   
  
"Going from blonde to mud-brown? Not a good look -"  
  
She screamed, and then flung the spanner down. "Xena! You don't know how glad I am you didn't trust me enough to get to town by myself!"  
  
The taller woman grinned, then bent down and picked up the spanner from the ground. "How many times have I told you to take the hubcap off before you try unscrewing the bolts? It really doesn't work your way."  
  
Her friend grinned, happy enough to put up with her friend's teasing when it meant that she didn't have to change the tyre herself.   
  
"Oh, and Gabrielle? That mobile phone is for more than entering SMS competitions."  
  
"Xena! What ever happened to being independent women huh?"   
  
"Gabrielle, that went out the window when you fell on your a...", the taller woman was cut off by her friend hitting her in the shoulder.  
  
"I get the point OK. And I know what a mobile phone is used for, but I spent all my credit last night smsing in my vote for 'Teen Idol".  
  
Xena rolled her eyes, before finishing the last bolt and dragging the tyre off. She rolled it to the side, before pulling out Gabrielle's spare from the boot. "This would be more fun if it wasn't hailing," she said pointedly.  
  
"It's supposed to be fun?" Gabrielle replied, wrapping her arms around herself and peering up at the sky. It seemed to be a direct attempt to drown the pair of them. "Listen, who have you annoyed lately? It was perfectly fine when I set out an hour ago . . ."  
  
Xena finished off the tyre and glared at her friend. "Me? You're  
blaming me for this thunderstorm? As if I'd know anyone who'd . . . " Then she stopped. "Oh. Uh. Um . . ."  
  
"Yeah missy, your fault. Dumped the weatherman didn't you - too dull you said." Gabrielle smirked and stepped out of hitting range.   
  
Xena raised an eyebrow, "just because my relationship with Mr "it's going to be sunny and warm with coastal winds" doesn't mean he went to the weather gods to get back at me."  
  
"You never know Xena, he liked you and you did call him a little man in front of several people."   
  
Do you have a point?   
  
He was six foot, you weren't talking about his height.   
  
Xena sighed. "Whatever. Anyway, if you've noticed - we're still  
standing out in the rain, and your car is all fixed. Now I am  
following you all the way back to town - along the inefficient coastal route which takes twice as long - just so that your obsession with - who is it you voted for on Teen Idol? - doesn't mean you get stuck out on a rock all night."  
  
Gabrielle grinned. "Thanks. And, for your information, I voted for Thor Thunderpants, of course! He's so hot . . ."  
  
Xena wasn't certain whether to knock herself out or limit herself to hitting her friend. "And you're wondering why we're stuck in a thunderstorm? At least Cheating Keaton the weatherman knows better than to reward his admirers with hail!"  
  
They arrived safely back in town and headed for the closest coffee shop to dry off in. They had just ordered their coffees when the small town mayor's wife came hurrying in. Many around town called the poor woman "Raving Ruby" as she had an unhealthy obsession of having to know everyone's business and today was no exception. The short, plump  
woman had barely caught her breath when words started spewing out of her mouth at a rapid pace. Both Xena and Gabrielle shrugged and looked in the direction that Ruby was pointing. They both stared at the door as a tall dark man stepped inside.   
  
  
Gabrielle promptly screamed - or at least made an attempt before Xena clapped a hand over her friend's mouth.  
  
"But - but - that's Thor Thunderpants!" Gabrielle half-choked.  
  
"Really?" Xena asked, raising an eyebrow. "Maybe I should've watched this show, after all."  
  
Gabrielle hadn't mentioned how hot this man was, Xena thought. Well - in fact, she had, but then she thought that Travis Whatshisname was hot. The word "hot" wasn't actually a particularly useful one when it came to Gabrielle. Now, if she'd mentioned "built", "inscrutable", or "evil brooding gaze", that may have grabbed her attention - for that is what he had.  
  
Xena slowly rose from the table and stood in front of the man trying to enter the cafe. "May I ask whether you're the one responsible for this - chaos?" she asked coldly, indicating the storm outside the cafe window.  
  
Thor cocked his head to the side and and purred at Xena. "Baby, I'm glad you think I'm a god but that ain't my doing. Why don't we have dinner and discuss a few things." Before Xena could open her mouth he was handing her a business card. "My manager would be happy to help  
you with anything you need."   
  
If she'd thought "built", "inscrutable", or "evil brooding gaze"  
summed up Thor she had no idea what to say about his manager. He was -  
  
Hot.   
  
"My manager Ares, and you are?"  
  
Xena really, really wished Gabrielle had persuaded her to watch Teen Idol a little sooner.  
  
"Thor, take a seat. This is Gabrielle - she's been wanting to meet you." She gently lent over and closed her friend's mouth.   
  
"We'll be right with you," Ares added, curling his fingers around Xena's upper arm. She suddenly found herself outside the cafe - and back in the rain. Funny, then, that she didn't seem to be getting wet at all . . .  
  
Xena realised why she'd thought Thor was so good-looking. After all - he'd obviously modelled his looks, his outfit, his everything on this man standing in front of her. The copy was nothing to the real thing, though.  
  
"Uh - can I blame you for the rain?" Xena asked finally.  
  
"Thank me, you mean," Ares grumbled. "How long have I been trying to get you into this cafe? It took major work with the weather to pull it off."  
  
Xena suddenly realised why she'd always been attracted to those weathermen. Subconsciously, she'd known that the man for her knew everything there was to do with storms.  
  
"What do you mean trying to get me into that cafe? You're not the guy who's been standing outside my window at night are you? Cause I thought that was Benny from down the road with the women's underwear fetish but one never knows."  
  
"Can't say that was me - no."  
  
Xena took a step back, "so what did you mean earlier?"  
  
Ares moved closer. "Xena - Xena, don't you remember me?"  
  
Xena racked her brains. "Oh! Of course! How could I forget - third grade, Ms Summer's class, right?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Um . . . rubbish duty outside the library during recess in year  
eight?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"A previous life?"  
  
She rolled her eyes and was shocked to see the dead serious  
expression on his face when she focused back on him.  
  
"I don't suppose that was a no to the last one and a yes to detention in year 11 for setting the sprinklers off in hospitality while people were trying to make bread then?"  
  
He licked his lips slightly and leaned in even closer, "that would be a no to the bread."  
  
Xena decided that she was glad about the bread - she definitely didn't recall anyone as sexy as this at Blodge High. It was hard to focus on previous lives and why she thought that was a lot of codswallop with his lips about an inch away from her own.  
  
In fact, she concluded that if those lips moved an inch closer, she'd be likely to believe not only in past lives, but in UFOs, fairies, and Elvis being hidden away by dwarves in preparation for the second coming.   
  
Thoughts of the second coming came to a halt when Gabrielle stuck her head out the door, a desperate look on her face. Xena snapped out of her trance and stepped away from Ares.   
  
"What's wrong?" She asked her friend.  
  
Gabrielle sighed, "Save me, Thor has the intelligence of a dead fish swinging from a hook. He's talking about how beautiful he is."   
  
Xena remembered that Gabrielle only went for guys who talked about how beautiful she was. It was a flaw, although not as major as her other one - which was a tendency to fall for men on the terminal list.  
  
"Thor's not dying, is he?" she asked Ares hopefully. Ares frowned.  
  
"Not until he gets into World Teen Idol - and only if he loses," he assured Xena.  
  
"Well, looks like he's not for you," Xena said to Gabrielle. "How  
about you pop over to Tyre World for a bit and get a new spare tyre? I'll be right over."  
  
"Right over? When?" Gabrielle asked suspiciously.   
  
"Gabrielle!" Xena cried, in shocked tones. "Ares and I are having a religious discussion, all right?"  
  
Gabrielle raised an eyebrow is a very 'Xena' way she had learnt from her friend. "Yeah, and I'm an Amazon Queen."  
  
Ares shrugged, "Well..."  
  
  
"Gabrielle, I'll be there in a sec, I promise."   
  
"That's what you said when we went to Rome after graduation. You left me for so long they thought I was part of the historical play. They tried to crucify me, Xena!"  
  
I was caught up."  
  
"Look - there's a guy in an ambulance, Gabrielle!" Ares called out, then pulled Xena around the side of the cafe. "Come on - you have to remember, Xena! How would I know so much about you if we hadn't been lovers in a previous life?"  
  
"We were lovers in a previous life?"  
  
"Yes - er, no - well, sort of."  
  
"And what do you know about me, anyway?" Xena asked suspiciously. "Well, apart from the fact I don't like being out in the rain?"  
  
"There you go!"  
  
"Come on - there's only really one way for you to remember."  
  
"Oh yeah?"  
  
"Yep. If you kiss me, you'll remember."  
  
Xena snorted. "Like I haven't heard that one a thousand times before." Well - in fact, she hadn't heard that particular line before, she realised, but there was no need for him to know that.  
  
"Look, what are you afraid of? It doesn't hurt, you know."  
  
"Damn it. I mean - oh, what the hell. Go for it." She squeezed her eyes shut and moved forward. Then she punched him.  
  
"Oww!"  
  
"Thought you said it didn't hurt?" Xena asked mockingly. "You @#%$, Ares!"  
  
"Xena! That really hurt."   
  
"I guess it's along the lines of "you won't hurt me" arrow in leg. Proved you wrong there."   
  
"All I did was make it rain this time round, give a guy a break will you?"   
  
Xena turned and stalked off, only looking back once the huge tyre out the front of Tyre World hid her from his view.   
  
Ares soon discovered as he stood alone that once the tap was turned on, he was having a very hard time turning it off. In other words, the rain wasn't stopping. He stalked off in the opposite direction and stopped when an idea formed. A grin overcame his features and he vanished in a shower of light.  
  
***  
  
Later that night Xena sat on her bed reading a book when she was alerted to a presence outside of her window. She stood and couldn't help but snigger at Ares standing in the rain holding a pair of pink underwear he had obviously grabbed off the line that had been left in the rain. He was doing a great impression of Benny.  
  
"You know those are Gabrielle's right?"  
  
"ARGH!" he screamed and dropped them as if they were on fire.  
  
"Go away Ares," Xena slammed the window shut and pulled the curtains before bursting out laughing.   
  
***  
  
Xena had never looked forward to Monday nights quite so much before. But then, she'd never realised the particular addiction of Teen Idol before, either. While Gabrielle was happy singing along with the stars, Xena was squinting around the sides of the stage, hoping for a glimpse of the managers. Or at least one of them.  
  
"It's good about the drought breaking, isn't it?" Gabrielle remarked during one of the ads. "With all this rain, they're starting to worry about floods."  
  
"Rain? Huh? What are you talking about weather at a time like this? Thor Thunderpants is up next! It said so!"   
  
"Uh - Xena? I think you're getting a little bit too attached to this  
show," Gabrielle said with some concern. "You do know that it's only for two more nights? Then it's time for Pre-school Idol."  
  
"Noooooo!"  
  
"You know, you could just call him."   
  
"What?" Xena shuffled away from her friend.  
  
"Ares, you have the business card, with that comes a phone number."   
  
"I have a better idea," an evil smile crossed Xena's face.  
  
Xena made her way into the kitchen and after making sure Gabrielle was obsessed with a new soap opera she called out his name. It took 2.5 seconds for him to materialise and she smirked.  
  
"I'll give you a chance if you prove your love for me."  
  
"Anything, Xena!"  
  
"Mow the lawn, the mortal way, do the dishes, cook the..."  
  
Twenty minutes later she was still going and Ares wasn't sure whether he wanted her anymore. However, one look into those blue eyes and he crumbled. Ares headed towards the sink and pulled out the yellow rubber gloves.  
  
"One moment," Xena said, laying a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"What now?" Ares cringed.  
  
"There's one thing I need you to do before you stop being all godly," Xena told him.  
  
Ares grinned. "No problem," he said, leaning forward.  
  
"Uh - that wasn't what I had in mind. Yet."  
  
Moments later Gabrielle was puzzled to see that every TV channel starred Benny dressed only in his underwear. She called out to Xena in the kitchen, but there was no response, and when she tried to open the door, it wouldn't budge. Shrugging, she settled back to the television which was now showing her favourite medical show. Whatever was happening in the kitchen couldn't nearly be as exciting as that.  
  
  
Back in the kitchen Ares and Xena stood, wrapped in each others arms by the sink. The rubber gloves lay forgotten.  
  
Oh, and they all lived happily ever after, except for Benny.   
  
  
The end


End file.
